Suppose you apply and are required to offer proof that any children you bear will be reared in a good home atmosphere. How would your application read? Would you be accepted?

 

Although our society will not require you to offer such proof before becoming a parent, you should answer the question for yourself: “What do I have to offer a child?” The answer to this question depends primarily on your marital relationship and your potential parenting style.

 

Let’s consider your marriage first. The quality of your marriage will affect the quality of your parenting. What you believe about marriage and what your marriage reflects about you as a person will affect your parenting. What is your marital relationship like at the present time?

1. The Devitalised Marriage.

The first type of marriage, called the devitalised marriage, is a placid, half-alive relationship. 

 

This marriage is devoid of emotional involvement, so there is neither conflict nor passion. Individuals in this marriage can be thought of as “married singles.” 

They both live as separate a life as possible and still remain married.

The husband provides his wife with money for running the household and leaves the details to her. His time is consumed with his work and hobbies. 

 

There is very little bother from his wife concerning the children or the house unless absolutely necessary.

Their communication is definitely surface level with no sharing of thoughts or feelings. Sexual relationships are routine and almost obligatory. This type of married life is almost an exchange of services. Bed and board are shared, and that’s it!

 

Even marriages that have previously developed into a positive relationship can slip into this style. 

 

Many replacements crop up to impede the relationship. Work can be one replacement, especially if the husband is using his performance and involvement at work to enhance his self-concept. The newspaper, television, sports, read-ing, children, recreation,hobbies, and church are activities that are innocent in themselves but are frequently used as escape avenues, which characterize this style of marriage. Diagram 1 depicts this kind of marriage.

 

2. Conflict-Habituated Marriage

A second type of marriage is called the conflict-habituated marriage (Diagram 2). This couple is fighting constantly but amazingly enough seems to enjoy it and can’t seem to live without it!

 

Often couples like this are referred to as “weary wranglers.” Over the years they have developed finesse in their ability to srike out and hurt. They find themselves in a dilemma. They know their methods are basically destructive but seem unable to change.

 

In some cases they find a sense of comfort in being hostile to each other because then they can blame the other person for their unhappiness. Aggression can be either direct outbursts or subtle forays. Fresh wounds are inflicted before the previous ones have

 

3. Passive-Congenial Marriage

This relationship is comfortable and has very few ups and down. In some ways it is quite similar to the first style but with slightly more involvement. 

 

However, the involvement is not very exciting, and once routines and habits have been established, they vary little. 

 

A humdrum (monotonous, lacking excitement)routine sets in and lasts for many years.

 

4. Total Marriage

A fourth type of marriage is the total marriage. It is characterized by constant togetherness and mutual interest.  Every experience of life is shared, and little or nothing is conducted separately. 

 

The relationship is very intense because of the closeness, but it is also fragile. Any minor change or alteration can rock the boat.

 

Individual growth is limited because the relationship is everything, which creates a degree of smothering and stifling. 

 

Often this marriage is held out to be the ideal because “they are so close and do everything together!” In time, one or both may feel constricted and boxed in because attempts to change on their part may be resisted.

 

Even when suggested changes are positive and beneficial, efforts are blocked. Any change upsets the precious and delicate equilibrium that has been established.

 

Another title for this marriage is the eggshell relationship. 

 

5. Vital Marriage

A fifth type of marriage is the vital marriage. Each person is very involved in the other’s interests, but they are not locked into the restrictions of the “total” marriage. In this marriage the couple likes to do things together whenever possible and, as much as possible, they share all roles within the marriage. They are not locked into stereotyped male and female roles. Thoughts and feelings are open to each other and communication is extensive between the two. The honesty that is so vital in building a marriage is present. Much of the marriage is together, but each has maintained his own individuality and uniqueness. Diagram 5 depicts this type of marriage.

 

Husband and wife cooperate in running the home, rearing the children, managing finances, and making decisions. They face and work through disagreements and the spouses are supportive to each other. This marriage usually contains reasonably well-adjusted people who are willing to take the risk of making changes to enhance and enrich their marriage.

 

🔥🔥 Troubled and struggling marriages do not make the task of parenting easier.

 

If the stability and cooperative teamwork needed in parenting is shaky and lacking in your marriage it may be difficult in raising your children.

 

📕📕📕 Potential Parenting Style

Now let’s take a look at your potential parenting style. 

 

Most parents model many of the same parenting characteristics their parents modeled, whether they want to or not, because few couples take any steps to change their own attitudes about parenting of acquire new ideas and skills.

 

🙏🏾🙏🏾 Many homes today (both Christian and non-Christian) are closed. This type of home exists in many forms and, because it is closed, does not always display its characteristics clearly. Suppression prevails in this home, and the children tend to be closed as well.

 

This atmosphere may be described as defensive, restrictive, protective, punitive, judgmental, fearful of change, blaming, possessive, and overly strict, with much emphasis on conformity. 

 

The family may be very concerned with status, reputation, and fixed roles. In this home atmosphere, it is difficult for a person’s self-im-age to develop. It is difficult also for true nurturing as expressed in Ephesians 6:4 to occur. This home probably fails to fulfill Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children do not be hard on them or harass them; lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated; do not break their spirit’ (AMP). This home is in violation of scriptural teaching for parenting.

 

2. Another type of home atmosphere is called hang loose. 

 

No guidance or direction is given; there are few rules or anything else that could give stability; concern for one another is often lacking. This home is often swayed or easily influenced by outside factors. In homes like this, children are rarely encouraged because the parents really don’t care.  Mom and Dad are interested only in themselves.

 

This home fails to give support and encouragement to the children even when it is needed most. Often inconsistency is evident here – Rules are enforced one day and not the next day. This is a reflection a lack of strong values. 

 

Decisions in this home are mostly from a self-centered point of view. A child needs a sounding board, but some parents do not allow themselves to be used as a sounding board. 

 

These parents are indifferent. A child feels very alone and lost because he doesn’t have what is needed to develop his identity.  With no interest directed toward him, he may not feel interest in himself. 

 

He doesn’t know where he stands and thus becomes insecure. If he had a choice, he would rather be known as a “bad child” than a “nothing child.”Indifferent parents have a variety of parenting styles. 

 

One parent may see himself as permissive and feel good about it because he does not impose anything on the child. Other parents feel that even at an early age a child should be allowed to do his own thing learn from his mistakes and take care of himself. 

 

These parents do not seem to care for their children. While freedom and responsibility should be granted gradually as a child increases in age and is capable developmentally of handling more, parents need to give direction in the early years.

 

3. Another style of parenting is the dropout. There are many kinds of dropouts. 

 

Some parents become overburdened by the strain of parenthood and give up., some parents just don’t like children, and some never wanted a child.  Others become overwhelmed in the first few weeks after the child’s birth. 

 

Some were caring parents initially and then changed. Some others cared nothing at all from the onset. This abandonment cannot help but create a sense of rejection within the child. Some abandonment occurs on an emotional level. 

 

Children are seen as a chore, and the resentment within the parent is transmitted to the child. Often this child develops into a parent who repeats the process. This style also violates Scripture, for the admonitions in Ephesians 6:4 and Proverbs 22:6 and numerous other passages are ignored.

 

Two persons who place on their list of priorities God first, then each other, and their children third. Two interested, kind, and loving guides; two examples— not perfect, but good

 

Parents who put relationships first, always (before rules, what others may think, etc.). Enough time in the average week with parents (actually present, in person) to build a relationship. Regular times to talk (one-to-one)

 

To be allowed to be a child; the right to feel and think as an individual. Expressed affection, appreciation, and respect

 

The feeling of being understood; it is often difficult for parents to accept and understand why what is serious to them cannot be as serious to their children. Consistent, reinforcing acceptance; to be treated as a valuable, capable human being; never being torn down, never being attacked personally

 

To be listened to always (not unhearing anger or patient endurance until you can “tell them a thing or two”). Parents who never treat lightly what is important to a child

 

An attractive home—one of order and tranquility (most of the time, that is)

 

The right to privacy

 

Guidance in forming good health habits; (being overweight is more than just a physical burden to bear)

 

Information about God, the Bible, a relationship with Christ, life, worthy goals, values, standards, sex, morals, alcohol, and drugs

 

A single standard for both parents and the children regarding alcohol, drugs, honesty, church attendance, etc.

 

📕📕📕 Deuteronomy‬ 6‬:1‬-14‬ AMP‬‬

”“Now this is the command; the statutes and the judgments (precepts) which the Lord your God has commanded me to teach you, so that you might do (follow, obey) them in the land which you are crossing over [the Jordan] to possess, so that you and your son and your grandson may fear and worship the Lord your God [with awe-filled reverence and profound respect], to keep [and actively do] all His statutes and His commandments which I am commanding you, all the days of your life, so that your days may be prolonged. Therefore listen, O Israel, and be careful to do them, that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly [in numbers], as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey.

 

“Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one [the only God]! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and with all your soul and with all your strength [your entire being]. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be [written] on your heart and mind. You shall teach them diligently to your children [impressing God’s precepts on their minds and penetrating their hearts with His truths] and shall speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up. And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand (forearm), and they shall be used as bands (frontals, frontlets) on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

 

“Then it shall come about when the Lord your God brings you into the land which He swore (solemnly promised) to [give] your fathers—to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—to give you, [a land with] great and splendid cities which you did not build, and houses full of all good things which you did not fill, and hewn (excavated) cisterns (wells) which you did not dig out, and vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant, and you eat and are full and satisfied, then beware that you do not forget the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. You shall fear [only] the Lord your God; and you shall serve Him [with awe-filled reverence and profound respect] and swear [oaths] by His name [alone]. You shall not follow other gods, any of the gods of the peoples who surround you,“

 

Our responsibility is to be faithful to our Lord. The first responsibility of parents is to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and might. What does this mean? It means that before a parent can dedicate their children to the Lord, they must love the Lord themselves. There are many parents who go through the motions with their Christianity. They do what is expected of them by the rest of their church. They bring their children to be dedicated because it is a tradition. The problem is that it is a biblical tradition and the Bible has some rules regarding dedicating children to Him. The first rule is that parents must be right with God. They must be ones who are faithfully studying the Word, praying, fasting, worshiping, serving, and practicing the disciplines of the faith. They must do it because God is worthy of their love and worship. Their eyes must be focused on the Lord.

 

Our responsibility is to be examples for our Lord.

 

Secondly, parents need to be examples to their children. 

 

They have to be the ones who sing praises to the Lord-not just in church but at home. They must be the ones who read the Bible for themselves and then have family devotions with the children. They have to be the ones who attend church regularly with a cheerful attitude. They are to be the ones who give their money to the church with a smile on their face. Some parents are good examples of what it means to be a Christian on Sunday, but those who dedicate their children should be ones who serve God the rest of the week as well. I have met many parents who say that they don’t want to force their children to go to church because they were forced to go to church.

 

They want their children to make the choice when they grow up and can choose for themselves. This presents a problem; eighteen years may pass in which the child never sets foot in the church. What, then, would be the obvious choice? Going to church or sleeping in? Usually it’s the latter. We have our children eat, sleep, and do other things that we tell them to do. Their eternity is dependant on the example we set for them when they are children. If they are without any example of God in their youth, they will usually not make the right choice in adulthood.

 

3. Our responsibility is to be trainers of our children for the Lord. Our passage tells us that we need to train our children at all times in our lives:

 

Train them when we are sitting down.

Train them when we are walking

Train them when we are lying down

Train them with the Word of God in their hands

Train them with the Word of God before their eyes on a regular basis

Train them with the Word of God written on items in our home

 

Do you think this passage leaves any time out for us to train our children? There are many tools available to train our children. We need a plan from birth till they move out to train them. for the Lord. Without a plan, they will never be trained and the enemy will work in their lives.

 

4. Our responsibility is to keep the Lord before our children always.

There is not a day that should go by that we are not helping our children to understand the Lord better. There should not be a day that goes by that we are not learning new things from the Lord. We need to take up our cross daily and follow the Lord. Our first responsibility is to our spouse and our children. They are our first mission field. If we lose our family, we will have sorrow. Save yourselves the sorrow and do all you can to be the example you should be and train your children. The final results are in the Lord’s hands, but we should do everything possible to point them to the Lord.

 

Conclusion: Some questions to consider

Do you love the Lord with all your heart, soul, and might?

Do you want to train your children to love the Lord?

Do you have a plan to train them?

Do you set a good example for your children to follow?

Do you know the doctrines of the Bible?

Do you know the disciplines of the faith?

Can the church help in these?

 

The church offers a support system in teaching, training, pastoring, counselling and praying for and with the family.

❤️ Marriage and for that matter, the family is the first institution that God in his wisdom created.

❤️ God cherishes the family because it is true the families that clans, tribes, nations, countries and kingdoms are built.

❤️ Satan runs counter to that which God adores.

🔥 When attacks families every human institution is affected.

🙏🏾 Christianity is a lifestyle.

🌟 

Frank Appiah